


The Question

by i_canz_kill_dragon



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-01-21
Packaged: 2017-11-26 07:37:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/648152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_canz_kill_dragon/pseuds/i_canz_kill_dragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gwen is moving on, but maybe she needs to let go. Post S2 Canon AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Question

Their friendship is different now.

Gwen doesn’t go to her house at night anymore; instead she spends every night quietly sitting with Merlin, trying to make conversation as he grinds up herbs and pores over spellbooks.

They never talk about it; in fact they don’t talk about much at all. Merlin hardly looks at her, though she is always there to comfort him when he drops his pestle or his book, puts his head in his hands and cries.

Sometimes, Merlin looks at her, eyes full of pain and asks: “Why?”

Gwen cannot answer, so she never says anything.

Merlin doesn't work during the day anymore; he’s been given leave for obvious reasons and though Gwen knows he will have to return to work and soon, she doesn’t know what she will do without him. Despite Merlin being far from good company right now, Gwen doesn’t want to fathom doing anything with her daylight hours other than sitting in a chair in his room, watching him stare at the ceiling.

***

Just as Gwen has been avoiding everything and everyone but Merlin since The Incident, so too has Merlin retreated into his and Gaius’ chambers, avoiding any activities that involve taking him outside, and eschewing all other company than Gwen’s.

She feels guilty, but she cannot deny it makes her feel good to know that he doesn’t want to talk to anyone else, even if he isn’t saying much yet.

One day, there is a knock at the door, and Merlin opens it to find Sir Leon.

“Merlin,” he says, hesitating. “I know…..how you must be feeling…..but Arthur –“

Merlin shuts the door in his face.

“Do you feel ready to move on yet?” he asks her later that night, eating soup in his room because Gaius had gone to bed early.

“No,” she admitted.

He sighed.

“Me either,” he confessed, tears in his eyes again. “I shouldn’t, I try not to but it’s just so easy to stay in here with you….that’s why I – I try not to talk to you….”

He stopped, looking away from her as he composed himself.

“Why?” He demanded, but Gwen didn’t know.

***

She knew _how_ it happened of course. She had been riding with Arthur and Merlin, just the three of them after Morgana’s betrayal, when they had been attacked by bandits, and it had ended in disaster.

She knew Merlin blamed himself, but he shouldn’t, and she told him so, though he never looked any happier when she did.

Because they had no secrets from each other now, he told her that he couldn’t accept her forgiveness because he should have been able to stop them, but had hesitated for fear of exposing his magic.

“So you see,” he said on one of his rare talkative nights, lying flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling, still avoiding her gaze if not her conversation, “It is my fault. I could’ve stopped it but I was….I was too scared.”

He hesitated, and then turned to look directly at her.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, voice cracking.

“Don’t be,” she said, “It’s my fault. I was distracted, I was-“

She knew why she was distracted. Despite riding behind Arthur, she had been looking at Merlin. But she knew he didn’t want to hear that right now, so she stopped.

“If it’s not my fault,” he said “then why -?”

But Gwen was tired of him asking, so for the first time she got up and left him to himself.

***

After the agoraphobia of the weeks following The Incident, Gwen found walking the halls of Camelot again rather freeing.

It was late at night, so there weren’t too many people around, of which she was glad. She didn’t think she was ready for that.

She walked until she reached Arthur’s chambers, and then stopped abruptly, guilt and sadness and anguish welling in her, until it finally became too much and she turned and ran until she was out of breath.

She stopped by one of the windows, and looked out. She saw the dark spot in the main street that was her house, and for the first time, considered going home.

In the end, she twisted from the window and returned to Merlin’s.

***

When she got back, Merlin didn’t say anything, but she knew that in leaving that night she had broken something unsaid between them, and he was waiting for it to happen again.

He hadn’t left the rooms himself yet, but Gwen did not judge him for this the way that Leon and Gwaine and some of the other knights that came around to try and persuade him to return to work did; she had a funny feeling that if she returned to her own house, she would never come back.

So she stayed by Merlin’s side as usual, watching him read books and do meaningless busywork for Gaius.

The only difference was, they had swapped roles; Gwen had become quieter and quieter as Merlin, becoming more and more accepting of The Incident had grown more communicative.

He would opt more and more for looking into her eyes, instead of avoiding her gaze, and started asking her questions like “how are you feeling?” and “do you ever wish…” and “if you had had more time with Arthur…”

“Are you going out again?” he asked her one day over breakfast.

“Yes,” she said.

She had started going for walks outside of Merlin’s chambers more often, first only once every few nights, then every night, and then, after a smile of encouragement from Merlin, during the day.

She felt bad, leaving him while he was still not ready to leave his chambers himself, but Merlin seemed pleased that she at least was starting to move on, so she continued doing it.

This morning however, she didn’t leave right away, watching him spoon porridge into his mouth for a couple of minutes before confessing something that had been on her mind.

“Every time I go out,” she said in a whisper, “I’m always drawn to my house.”

She could see by his expression that he understood exactly what she was alluding to.

“That’s good,” he said, and seemed to mean it.

“But what about you? I can’t leave you, you’re not ready –“

“Gwen,” he said firmly, putting her hand in his. “I am. I’m….I’m not completely fine yet, but I’m getting better. And if you…go into your house, then I will be fine. I will move on. I….will probably do it better without you.”

Gwen’s offence must have shown on her face because he gripped her hand harder and continued.

“You know that you being here has just allowed me to shut myself away. I appreciate you being here for me Gwen, I do,” he looked into her eyes, and Gwen knew it was coming “but why –“

She shook off his hand and left.

***

That morning, returning to Merlin’s was the most difficult it had ever been, and in the afternoon, she understood why.

Merlin was sweeping ashes off the rug near the fire, and Gwen was privately celebrating the smile she had just elicited from him for the first time since The Incident, when the door opened, and in walked Arthur.

Merlin dropped the broom.

“Merlin,” he said seriously.

“Arthur,” Merlin croaked.

Arthur wandered around the room, running his hands along the bench, eyes wandering over the knick knacks of the chamber, not saying anything, while Merlin waited patiently for him to speak.

“I understand…..what you’ve been going through. I –“

He stopped.

“I haven’t been faring well myself. But my knights tell me that you haven’t left your chambers since….that day.”

“No sire,” Merlin whispered.

Arthur simply looked at him.

“Then I expect you back at work tomorrow,” he said.

Merlin’s eyes filled with tears.

There was a long silence as Merlin gazed at Arthur and Arthur politely avoided looking at his grief until with a gruff “see you in the morning” and a pat to Merlin’s shoulder he was gone.

***

Gwen was anxious all that night.

She and Merlin had avoided discussing the events of that afternoon, and resumed their work in silence, but Gwen knew it wouldn’t continue; the end was coming, and fast.

Merlin signalled to Gaius that he should leave, and after he had nodded and closed the door behind him, Merlin indicated to Gwen that she should have a seat.

“I’m going back to work tomorrow,” he said

“I know,” she whispered.

Merlin looked at her for a long time, simply gazing at her, as though drinking her in, committing her every freckle and bump and eyelash to memory.

“I’ll always love you,” he said, “and I’ll miss you.”

She nodded, eyes filled with tears.

“But Gwen, you know that…..that it’s been harder for me to accept because you’ve been here. So please, I have to know.”

She nodded again, tears choking her into silence, because she knew that this time she would have to answer.

“Why are you haunting me and not Arthur?”

“You can see me,” she said with a little sob, trying to forestall him. “You have magic”

“I can see you,” he said. “But it’s not because of the magic. You’re making me see you Gwen, I looked up how these things work. I’m happy,” and tears were rolling down his face now, “that I got this extra time with you. But I don’t understand why it was only me. Was it because it was my fault?”

“No!” she cried. “No never!”

“Then why-?”

“Because I love you!” and she couldn’t hold back the tears, she was sobbing in earnest now. “I was looking at you, that day, that’s why the bandit caught me unawares, why he was able to grab me off-“

Merlin made a strangled sound.

“-why he was able to kill me, it wasn’t your fault it was mine! I should’ve been thinking about Arthur but I just….I’m sorry,” she whispered.

Merlin’s throat worked furiously.

“I know it was selfish of me to haunt you,” she said “I was holding you back in your grieving, but….I didn’t want to leave you without making sure you were okay”

“Oh Gwen”

He got up and hugged her; she stood sobbing into his shoulder while he made soothing noises into her hair.

“Gwen,” he said, stroking the tears off her face when she pulled back. “It’s time.”

She nodded.

***

Half an hour later, she stood hand in hand outside the threshold of her house. There would be no tunnel ending in light for her; only a blacksmith’s sign and a wooden door.

“Are you ready?” he whispered, squeezing her hand.

“Yes,” she whispered back, and she was. She had been feeling the call of the otherworld since she had first glimpsed her house in that night-time stroll near Arthur’s room two weeks ago.

“Merlin,” she said “If you can find a way, tell Arthur….I did love him,” she said.

“I will,” he said.

She tried to delay a moment longer, but there wasn’t anything left to say.

So she gathered up her courage, pulled her hand away from his, took a deep breath and leaned up and kissed him on the cheek.

“Goodbye,” she said.

She opened the door.


End file.
